One of my favorite comedians, George Carlin, died last June at the age of 71. I can remember thinking to myself, on at least two occasions when he was playing in the town in which I was living, that I would see him another time. I put off going to the shows because money was tight, because I couldn’t find anyone to go with me, because I had to work that night – I’m sure my excuses reasons were justified at the time.

My biggest regret on June 22, 2008 was that I never got to see George perform live. I own every album he put out, but I never got to the live show.

My first concert was Poison, in 1988. Since then, I’ve seen Aerosmith, Skid Row, Tesla, Warrant, Rush (7 times), Queensryche, Counting Crows, The Cure (3 times), Primus, Def Leppard, and a few others. Comedians, I’ve only seen a couple – Jeff Dunham (before he turned into a right wing racist lunatic) and Janeane Garofalo are the two you’ve probably heard of. There are a few artists that I’ve always sort of had on a “well, if they come around and I’m not busy maybe I’ll go” list, but after Carlin passed last year, I’m upgrading most of the artists to “whatever it takes, I must see them perform before I (or more likely, they) die”.

Peter Gabriel tops the list. Morrissey. Robert Plant (though I will steadfastly not go to any sort of Led Zeppelin reunion, just on principle). Kevin Smith. David Cross. Henry Rollins. Patton Oswalt. There are quite a few more, but I’m curious…

Who’s on your list?

There’s a TV show on PBS called Sid the Science Kid. It is, without a doubt, one of the most formulaic, inspid shows on the network. The fact that it whips a little science on the viewers is great, but the characters are flat, the plot is predictable and the voice acting is terrible.

Each episode begins with Sid, the computer animated muppet, waking up in his bedroom. He heads downstairs to the kitchen where his always perky family feeds him. By the time he’s ready to go to school, he has identified a question that he wants answered (why does the banana get mushy? for example). After breakfast, he is driven to school by his mother, and they sing a song about how mom is cool. Sid then gets dropped off at school, and the song changes to one about finding his friends. Same songs, same animation, same three-minute-or-so sequence in each episode. After he finds his friends – the perky redhead, the wispy Asian stereotype and the dullard – Sid and the others are herded into the classroom by Teacher Susie singing yet another song.

Over the next few minutes, we come to realize a few things. This must be a magnet school in a very, very rich area because there are only four students in the class, and the school is decked out with whatever science equipment they need. Science is the only subject taught in school, and there is no lesson plan – whatever Sid thinks of in the morning is what Teacher Susie teaches the kids about. After Teacher Susie gives the lesson (the banana gets mushy because of decay), the kids go home. Sid always gets picked up by his Grandmother, who has the most annoying laugh in the history of kids’ television. Once home, Sid tells the family what he learned, and the show wraps – sometimes with Sid going to bed, which is a little weird.

That’s my view as a 34-year old adult.

You know what my 4-year old daughter gets out of it? “Daddy, do you know why the pumpkin near the front door looks all squishy like that? Because of decave.” Okay, she meant decay, but she’s four, so we correct her and are impressed that a kid her age has an understanding of the concept of decay.

The moral of the story is this: don’t over-analyze things – and not just when it comes to kids’ television. Realize that your perspective is completely different than that of other people (especially kids). Sometimes, as Freud said, a cigar is just a cigar.

Except Barney the Dinosaur. That’s just evil personified.

It’s been a while since I wrote about the goofy messages found in fortune cookies I’ve opened, but I’m back with one that I got just last night.

All thing has a cause. Look into your pass for answer

Not exactly award-winning prose, eh?

While they are always quick to deliver things that I have little interest in, when it comes to stuff I really really want, UPS makes me suffer. Now, I have proof that it’s intentional. The following is an authentic*, accurate* and true* transcript of a phone conversation that took place last week between representatives of UPS and NewEgg.com.

NewEgg: Hello, this is Martha. How may I direct your call?

UPS: Department X, please.

There’s a short pause, then a click.

NewEgg: This is Vinny. What’s the order number?

UPS: [xxx]87687

NewEgg: Okay, got it. That’s going to Daniel M. Clark in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

UPS: Right. And is this something that he’s really, really looking forward to, do you think?

NewEgg: Oh, totally. This is a cool piece of tech, I’m sure he would be upset if he… let’s see… yeah, he paid for 3-day select, and he’d probably be upset if he didn’t get it on the third day.

UPS: Hm. We’ll think about that. We usually try to deliver on the last day possible to this guy, so if he chose Ground, it would’ve been day seven instead of day four. Still, we’ll make sure we don’t deliver until the very end of the day so he can’t leave the house for fear of missing us. That always cracks us up here at the office.

NewEgg: Sounds good!

*This was not authentic, accurate or true. But it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. I’m still waiting for my delivery, and it’s almost four in the afternoon.

[Update!] UPS dropped off my package at 5:20. Good thing I’m residential and not business, or they would’ve missed their window.

Dear Albertson’s checkout lady,

The store’s current promotion is a fine deal: customers receive one stamp for every ten dollars they spend, and when they collect enough stamps they may trade them in for a piece of cookware. I’ve participated in a few Albertson’s promotions in the past. I own a nice chef’s knife and a fantastic wok that I use quite a lot.

I know that when a store runs a promotion, the clerks are supposed to enforce the rules. I know that if my total comes to $52.65 I should expect to be given five stamps. If my total comes to $48.73, I expect four stamps.

My total today was $89.91. You gave me eight stamps. I know you’re following the rules to the letter, but it was nine cents. I didn’t make a big deal about it; I didn’t even mention it, in fact. But I’ll remember. This might not be the thing that gets me to shop at the Smith’s across the street, but enough of these little things can add up to a customer switching stores. Take a little initiative. Make the customer happy with a little extra kindness above and beyond the letter of the law – or promotional rules. No manager in his right mind will fire you, or even reprimand you, for putting a smile on the face of a customer who came nine cents short for a sticker.

Little things count.

There’s nothing on this list that we shouldn’t be amazed by, but honestly, most of us—myself included—take many of them for granted.

Inspirational credit goes to Patton Oswalt, who does a bit about how amazing portable MP3 devices are on his new My Weakness is Strong album (“Wow, how many songs does it hold?” “Every song you’ve ever heard, or ever will hear, or will ever be written.”). In fact, I’m going to leave those off the list because I don’t want to be redundant.

1. Broadband Internet
   Just ten years ago, the average person on the street hadn’t even heard of the internet. Now many of us enjoy speeds fast enough to download a DVD in mere minutes.
2. eBooks
   You have access to almost every book ever written. You no longer need to go to the local library and hope they have a copy of something – you can get it electronically.
3. Smartphones
   The cell phone in your pocket is more powerful than the computers used to send people to the moon. I don’t want to hear people complaining that the iPhone didn’t have MMS for two years. We put humans into outer space with less.
4. Overnight shipping
   Place an order with a company, pay a few bucks—okay, maybe more like forty or fifty, but still—and they’ll put your product on a truck, get it to an airport, and fly it to your house. If you don’t have a landing strip, they’ll take it to the nearest airport and drive it the rest of the way, but you’ll still have it the day after you order it.
5. Video conferencing
   My daughter can see and talk with her grandparents via Skype for free. They live 1800 miles away.
6. Portable DVD players
   For a hundred bucks, more or less, you can watch DVDs in the car. Ideally, you won’t be driving while you’re doing this.
7. Digital photography
   Nevermind waiting a week, a day or even an hour for your prints. You can now take 100 pictures in less than a minute, choose which ones you like, and edit them yourself. You barely need to know how to use the camera – you’ll still get a decent snapshot almost every time.
8. 24-hour news from around the world
   You can turn on the television or your computer and find out what’s happening on the other side of the world in real time.
9. The past is the present
   Between DVDs, CDs and audio/video available online, there is very little that has been recorded and is yet unavailable for public consumption. TV shows have had their entire runs released on DVD. Recording artists from 70 years ago can be heard in crystal clear digital audio. Name any movie ever made and you can probably get a copy of it.
10. Pocket-sized high definition video cameras
    How old are you? Do you remember the days of home movies that were recorded on film? Maybe you remember video cassette cameras, the kind that were shoulder mounted and made every fifth person at Disney World look like a dork. Well, now we have HD cameras that fit in your pocket priced under two hundred bucks.
11. Modern medicine
    Heart attacks no longer mean death. People can live with many major diseases that would have killed them just ten years ago. Some diseases have been all but eradicated from the face of the planet. We have vaccines for things that should be killing us: one little shot and we don’t have to worry about dying of tetanus.
12. Abundant food supplies
    People counter this assertion with “but there’s starvation in the world!” Yes, but it’s not because there isn’t enough food to go around. Worldwide, there is enough for everyone. We just need to spread it around more. Think of how much food is wasted every year in the United States alone: according to one source, as much as 14% of purchased food ends up as waste. Some estimates suggest that as much as half of all food produced worldwide ends up wasted.
13. Modern air travel
    You can hop on a plane and reach any destination on the planet in a matter of hours. New York to London used to take weeks by boat. Now you can fly across the ocean and be there in time for dinner.
14. Computer processors
    For a very reasonable price, you can purchase a computer with a processor (and this is just one example) rated at about 60,000 MIPS. That’s 60,000 “Million Instructions Per Second”. That’s 60 billion instructions per second.
15. Microwave ovens
    I know they’re not exactly new and exciting, but that’s kind of the point of all this. The microwave oven is an amazing piece of technology!
16. Wireless networking
    You can take your laptop computer anywhere and reasonably expect to get wireless internet connectivity in many urban (and suburban for that matter) areas. Don’t want to chance it? Get a mobile broadband card and have connectivity everywhere you go.
17. Podcasting
    Anyone with a computer and a microphone can broadcast their thoughts and words to the world. It’s like pirate radio except the FCC can’t shut you down. Popular podcasters can have more listeners than popular radio talk show hosts.
18. Email
    Send a message to anyone, anywhere on the planet, for free.
19. Readily available education
    Free and low-cost education is available to everyone that can get to a local library and can figure out how to use a computer. We’ve got free public schools as well, and while college sure isn’t cheap, there are low-cost alternatives.
20. Remote controls
    They’re like magic wands for the electronic devices in your living room.
21. People are living in SPACE
    There are people actually living in space aboard the International Space Station. They don’t ride a shuttle up and come down again in a few days. They live there. You know how it would be awesome to have Star Trek technology, flying between stars in a ship? That is where this leads.

Clearly, this list is not exhaustive. What do you consider to be mind-blowing?

Last September, I wrote a bit about a travel reservation mix-up that I had with Southwest Airlines and how they were super cool about fixing it for me. I wrote that they had earned my respect after the way I was treated by the customer service representatives that I spoke to. Well, they just did it again!

I wasn’t booking the “October trip” (shh, it’s a secret – for now) like I was last year, but it’s related to that. You see, that October trip, I just found out, is scheduled this year for the one weekend that I already had booked for a family trip. I really want to participate in that event, so I decided to call up Southwest and move things around; my family is flexible.

I figured it would be tricky because I had redeemed a Rapid Rewards ticket for me and paid a promotional rate for Angela and Winter. Ian, presumably because he’s an infant and doesn’t have a job, isn’t required to pay for a ticket.

I called the toll free number, and discovered my favorite new telephone practice: the automated callback. A pleasant voice told me that my wait time would be between 14 and 21 minutes, and that if I punched in my phone number, they would call me back and I wouldn’t lose my place in line. Considering I was calling from a cell phone? Hell yeah! Thank you, Southwest, for saving me some cell minutes.

I got a call from Southwest after about 15 minutes or so, and a very nice representative was able to work a little magic and reschedule everything. There was no fee to make the changes, and no hassles. You know, sometimes a company does something right and deserves to be spotlighted for it. Well done, Southwest Airlines.

I am aware that Jen was probably kidding when she wrote, “just make a point to at least intend to participate” in the Facebook group, but… I really did intend to write something four days ago for this week’s Tuesday’s Topic. Honest.

This counts, right?

When it comes to government and society, the idea of fairness takes on whole new meanings. What might seem unfair in a small group or between two people becomes very fair (and necessary) when applied on a national scale.

My friend Jen Goode has been putting together a project called Tuesday’s Topic for over two years. More often than not, I haven’t participated—not because I think it’s an unworthy project, but because I have no discipline and I’m the worst procrastinator you’ll ever meet (this is posting after midnight, so technically, it’s Wednesday now). Every week, Jen posts the Topic and anyone who would like to write about it can do so and get linked to from the Facebook group and from the sites of other bloggers that are participating.

This week’s Topic is Finding Fair, which lends itself to a great many angles. Annie took on interpersonal relationships and cosmic balance. Judi wrote about fairness in business. Jen came from the angle of family, sharing and compromise. Jen’s husband, Dave, wrote a political piece. It’s Dave’s take on Finding Fair that really prompted me to fight my procrastination and participate this week. You see, I don’t think what he wrote was very fair.

Now, before I get into this, understand that I consider Dave a friend, and although I disagree with what he wrote, no insult is intended or should be inferred. Too often, when people talk politics things turn ugly. Dave’s a great guy, and we just have a difference of opinion.

Dave isn’t alone in his criticism of the so-called stimulus package. Some call it a bailout or a handout. Some say it isn’t fair that people are getting bailed out by the government after failing to run their businesses properly. Dave draws a line and calls it “personal responsibility”, which I don’t necessarily disagree with. People should be held accountable for their actions, but I differ with Dave on a few key points. I think we both draw a line, but we simply put it in different places.

Now then. I don’t think that the tale of the red hen, as modernized in Dave’s piece, is fair. Here’s why.

She baked five loaves and after they were finished she held them up for all of her neighbors to see. “Who shall help me eat this bread?” asked the little red hen.

The tale starts off with someone, a little red hen, who has created something that others desire. Good for her! Personally, I wrote a couple of books that I hope others will desire. Shameless plug, I know, but it’s for a reason. We’re talking about tangible goods.

“I will,” said the cow. “I need to eat to make good milk and I don’t have the time.”

“I will,” said the duck. “My welfare benefits don’t provide bread.”

“I will,” said the pig. “I learned to eat in school.”

“I will,” said the goose. “If you don’t give me any bread, that’s discrimination.”

Certainly, there are people in the world that take these stances. You may have noticed the first flaw in the retelling of the tale, though. It’s implied that none of these four characters offered to pay for the bread. It’s implied that they are simply demanding free bread, and while that is fine for the story, it’s not what happens in real life. The goose, for example, has a valid point – it would be discrimination if the hen refused him any bread if she were giving it to the other animals. That’s right, the goose uses the word “give”, but let’s back this up a step and acknowledge that no price has been set. Set a price, hen, then see what the goose has to say, because at this point, all you’ve done is asked who wants to help you eat it… and that makes it sound like you’re offering it for free.

I set a price for my books. If anyone were to demand that I give it away for free, I would refuse. My price is set. If you want to negotiate, we can talk. What does the hen inexplicably do next?

But the little red hen said, “No, I made the bread I shall eat all five loaves.” And she did.

Wait, what? The other four animals have expressed desire, but the hen, rather than negotiate a price just decides to keep all the bread for herself? Flaw number two: this makes no sense. If someone demanded I give away the books I wrote for free and I responded by hoarding them, how much sense would that make? Nobody would get to read them, and I already know all the words, so they don’t do me any good just sitting around my house.

“Excess profits!” cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

“Capitalist leech!” screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

“I demand equal rights!” yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted ‘Unfair!’ picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

What profits? What capitalism? The hen isn’t selling anything and isn’t making any money! This is where things get weird[er]. Nevermind that each animal has been assigned to a person in a pretty stereotypical fashion (yes, we get it, Ted Kennedy is a pig, sheesh). The interesting thing here is that the reactions to the hen’s actions have absolutely nothing to do with said actions. The hen has decided to hoard the bread, remember. The reaction from the goose is a plea for equal rights? How does that fit? After they each made their statement, they picketed the hen, shouting obscenities. Obscenities? I’m honestly curious what part of real life that’s supposed to equate to, because I have never in my life seen elected officials – or Jesse Jackson – picket someone and shout obscenities.

How ridiculous would it look if a bunch of people showed up at my house shouting obscenities because I wasn’t giving away free books? Hm. I just had an idea for a publicity stunt.

Then Farmer Obama came. He said to the little red hen, “You must not be so greedy.”

Good point, Mr. President. The hen shouldn’t be greedy, but that’s not exactly what has happened here. The hen, rather than negotiate a price for her bread, has instead decided to hoard it all for herself for some strange reason. Remember, nobody was demanding free bread. The hen isn’t being greedy, the hen is being stupid.

“But I worked hard and earned the bread,” protested the little red hen.

No, the hen didn’t earn the bread. The hen created the bread. This is another flaw in the story. Look, I get it, this is supposed to be a parable about unfair taxes and government handouts and *gasp* Socialism. The larger meaning of the story is obvious, but there’s no logic to it. If a simple story can’t be accurately crafted to describe a situation, maybe the situation isn’t quite what you think it is.

“Exactly,” said Barack the farmer. “That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government system, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who who are not productive. It is only fair.”

That’s not what Obama or any other elected official is suggesting. Here, we get to the point of the story. The writer – Dave was reprinting this from another site – is calling Obama and the Democrats socialists or communists. They are not. Acting like taxes are something new is disingenuous. The previous administration collected taxes, too – the only difference is that while the Bush white house and the Republican congress gave the revenues to the rich and the military contractors, the Obama white house and the Democractic congress (now that they don’t have a hostile president anymore) want to use the revenues for infrastructure, shoring up the economy and strengthening the middle class. Same money (basically), different focus.

Before anyone comes back with “but the government doesn’t create jobs!”, as RNC Chair Michael Steele famously believes, allow me to remind you that the government contracts out to private firms to build roads and bridges (indirectly creating jobs) and that they directly pay government employees, including teachers, police, fire, the military, and a host of other positions that most people don’t even realize are covered by the government. The government most certainly does create, and sustain, jobs.

The little red hen smiled and clucked, “I am grateful, for now I truly understand.”

No, she doesn’t.

The little red hen never again baked bread but signed up for all the free stimulus bread joining her friends the cow, the duck, the pig and the goose. And one by one all the bread bakers stopped baking bread, following the example of their friend, the little red hen. And soon there was no more bread and everyone was hungry.

This is another “wait, what???” moment. The hen is a producer, not merely a consumer in this tale. She bakes the bread. She didn’t set or negotiate a price, she decided on a whim to keep everything for herself, and now she decides to stop making the bread and… what? Get it from somewhere else? There are only six characters in this story; there is no other source of bread. All the other bakers followed the hen’s lead? Hang on, there were other bakers? Nobody mentioned them! What are they charging for their bread? Are they profitable? Are they the ones providing the bread for the… free stimulus… you know, this is too silly. Let’s wrap up.

And all the Democrats smiled. Fairness and equality had been established and ruled the land.

But… fairness and equality hadn’t been established. All the farmer said was that the hen mustn’t be so greedy. That’s a suggestion, and it’s a suggestion that, as a parent, I give to my children. Isn’t that standard, teaching kids how to share? Nowhere does it say the farmer took the bread and gave it to the other animals. Okay, assuming that’s implied, is that really what’s happening in America? Is the government going to Ford and taking a bunch of cars and handing them out to anyone who asks for one? Is Farmer Obama going to the Coca-Cola company and taking truckloads of soda and giving them to folks on the street? I don’t think that’s what’s going on… but just in case, could someone tell President Obama that I’m thirsty and I could use a new car? Just in case.

Pretty much sums it up…

That’s Dave’s closing to his blog entry. He agrees with the tale. In my opinion, you won’t find any fairness in the tale. I don’t think it is very fair to the Obama administration, Democrats or the people that voted for them. The worst part is that the recently passed legislation is structured in such a way that positive impacts will be felt slowly, rationally, and constructively. The legislation is creating a foundation for steady growth. As much of a solid idea as that is, the Republicans get to spend the next two years shouting, “Look, it ain’t fixed yet! The Democrats don’t know what they’re doing! Put us back in power!” – and a significant number of shortsighted people will probably believe them. The 2010 midterms are going to be fairly interesting.

One more point about finding fairness. Dave has nothing to do with this point, this is just my own observation related to the whole stimulus/recovery package drama. On the topic of fairness… let’s count how many Republican governors and other lawmakers complain – loudly – about how terrible the legislation is, then happily take the federal money to help bail out their states. They will happily (though not when there’s a camera pointed at them, then they’ll be resentful and dismissive) take the money for their states, bash the president and the Congress, then try to pretend like nothing good ever came of last year’s election when the midterms roll around. That, in a nutshell, isn’t fair.

I guess that’s the whole point of everything that I’ve written here. What it boils down to is that in politics, fairness is given a back seat to personal desires and opinions, right or wrong. It’s easy to come up with a story, even one that doesn’t make sense, that backs up your personal viewpoints when you don’t have to consider fairness. It’s easy to insult and belittle an elected official when you don’t have to worry about being fair. In politics, fairness is nothing but a concept that is paid a certain amount of lip service.

That’s not fair, either.

Many are the days and nights when I have looked at a clock after using Wikipedia and realized that multiple hours have passed. Wikipedia is the greatest time suck ever devised by man.

Earlier today I remembered a conversation about music that I had with my chiropractic provider. We had talked about music, and he said that he likes +44 better than Angels and Airwaves when considering the post-Blink-182 bands. I told him that I hadn’t heard +44, but I’d been meaning to.

Today, I finally checked them out. I have a subscription to Rhapsody which allows me to listen to whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to pay per track like at iTunes or Amazon. I listened to +44’s debut album, When Your Heart Stops Beating, and I liked it quite a lot. As I often do when investigating new music, I pulled up the band’s Wikipedia page—or tried to.

As a Firefox user, I simply type wikipedia whatever-I’m-looking-for into my browser’s address bar, and I usually end up on the right page. I typed in wikipedia +44, and was taken to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/44 – a page all about the year 44. I clicked the For other uses link, and was taken to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/44_(number). Getting closer. As I skimmed down looking for a reference to the band, I noticed the very first line after the Contents box. It reads thusly:

Forty-four is a tribonacci number, a happy number and an octahedral number.

A happy number? Numbers can be… happy? I opened that link in a new tab to come back to it later, found the link to the +44 page, and read up on the band. After that, I went back to the happy number page, and read this:

A happy number is defined by the following process. Starting with any positive integer, replace the number by the sum of the squares of its digits, and repeat the process until the number equals 1 (where it will stay), or it loops endlessly in a cycle which does not include 1. Those numbers for which this process ends in 1 are happy numbers, while those that do not end in 1 are unhappy numbers.

I remember learning about imaginary numbers in high school, so I wasn’t thrown too much when I first saw “a happy number”, though it did give me pause. What really got me, oddly enough, was the notion of a number being unhappy. For some reason, that made me laugh. I keep picturing little 2’s and 3’s running around with big frowns and sad eyes.

This is the time suck that Wikipedia is for me. I start out looking for something simple—a page that talks about the history of a band—and I end up reading about unhappy numbers. I do this for hours upon hours sometimes.

There can be only one conclusion. Wikipedia is evil.