While they are always quick to deliver things that I have little interest in, when it comes to stuff I really really want, UPS makes me suffer. Now, I have proof that it’s intentional. The following is an authentic*, accurate* and true* transcript of a phone conversation that took place last week between representatives of UPS and NewEgg.com.

NewEgg: Hello, this is Martha. How may I direct your call?

UPS: Department X, please.

There’s a short pause, then a click.

NewEgg: This is Vinny. What’s the order number?

UPS: [xxx]87687

NewEgg: Okay, got it. That’s going to Daniel M. Clark in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

UPS: Right. And is this something that he’s really, really looking forward to, do you think?

NewEgg: Oh, totally. This is a cool piece of tech, I’m sure he would be upset if he… let’s see… yeah, he paid for 3-day select, and he’d probably be upset if he didn’t get it on the third day.

UPS: Hm. We’ll think about that. We usually try to deliver on the last day possible to this guy, so if he chose Ground, it would’ve been day seven instead of day four. Still, we’ll make sure we don’t deliver until the very end of the day so he can’t leave the house for fear of missing us. That always cracks us up here at the office.

NewEgg: Sounds good!

*This was not authentic, accurate or true. But it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. I’m still waiting for my delivery, and it’s almost four in the afternoon.

[Update!] UPS dropped off my package at 5:20. Good thing I’m residential and not business, or they would’ve missed their window.